to my insecurity:

hi,

i see you're comfortable living with me for the entire 21 years now.

hows feel to see me crying uncontrollably?

do you happy giving me hard time?

i used to think its your winning, y'kno.

its been like...forever?

bandung, years ago.

i thought everythings okay, is it your fault too?

i never thought such a beautiful city, good friends, is all illusion.

theyre never there. never been there.

the one who i thought they should.



i finally home after miles away from home

very exhausted,

this actually take quite sometime

after that nasty breakup.

but it was my first face after decided where i lead

my life to!

first picture post-depression was taken at kaliurang,

bloated, tired, exhausted,

in this very time, i already feel sick, everything doesnt feel right

what if the surgery ended bad?

what if i never be okay?

what if...what if i...

shouldnt be here from the start?

therefore, it went well.

i cut my hair for good omen

to sum up, it felt restless.

i lost track in everything,

you never made me have the confidence to trying it out

so i give my life up.

but, then, why i keep living on it?

insecurity,

my old friend, finally.

we meet again?

i thought everything its your fault so i blamed you for everything.

but then, theres me.

too focus on your wrongdoing and pointing out my flaws.

living my life, struggling, 

because i, myself, choosing to step the thorn.

i never thought, i never know,

that while im doing that, theres so much i did, too.

i'm sorry,

no,

thankyou.

thankyou you made this far to see how i am actually worth.

look at me, 

nangis ga penting pointing things that never change.

bukannya yang harusnya gw lakukan adalah menerima dan berterimakasih?

dont you actually trying to make me reaching this state from the start?

accepting what i have, appreciating what i have done.

have you ever, even a once, pressuring me to change my pace?

no, uta, it never did.

its always okay to live with my own pace,

all i have to do is be myrself, i dont have to be someone else.

afterall,

what matters the most in my life, is me.

if you're doing it happy, it matters.

it matters.

thankyou, insecurity!

i've made it to 2020!